Like waves crashing against the shore ready or not, today I felt the same kind of weight, the same pressure and it hurt a bit. Nothing is always simple, but how I wish it was, not always easy or smooth sailing. It seems sometimes when you need a break it just doesn’t come, no matter how bad you want it. Have you ever felt like that?
This is certainly not the first time I have felt like this, and it absolutely won’t be the last. But I wanted to acknowledge it today, because sometimes people need to hear from each other ‘me too’. Me too, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I long for greater simplicity. We’re finding our way, we are rediscovering simplicity in our little world, but today doesn’t feel all that simple.
We dropped Shane off at the station today as he is away for a couple of weeks, the kids cried and the long countdown has begun for when he will be coming back. He has gone away somewhat regularly for work over the years and for the most part we are totally fine but as the kids get older I have found this time gets harder not easier. This surprises me actually. I always thought the nappy days of sheer exhaustion would be the toughest to miss your spouse, the extra help when you need it most.
For sure, that time was tough, and we did miss him when he went away in the early days. However now the emotional upset that Dad is gone, is far greater and they miss him so much more. More acutely aware of how long he will be gone and all the things he will miss. I miss just chatting about what our days were like at the end of them whilst cooking dinner.
To be sure, this is really not a big deal in the scheme of things and I can’t imagine for a second what other people are going through, however this is certainly not the only thing for us, but today it hurts a bit. The responsibility of working, homeschooling and turning up to all of the things while he is away is a little daunting. I in no way like admitting this, I would rather not ask for help or admit that things can be tough. I would much prefer to quietly get about my business not disturbing anyone with complaints of such a trivial nature. Happily looking for the best in every situation. But my goal is to journal each day the truth of our days, the story of our journey, so this is today, and it hurts a bit.
I want to preach to myself and declare all the truths of God that I know, that he is with me, he is for me and he loves my kids even more than I do. That he is caring for Shane and that I should run to God, lean into Jesus and let him be my counsellor, my confidante. Today I know I need extra reminding, an extra measure of faith. Perhaps, if not certainly, I need to sit in stillness in his word allowing the eternal truths to wash over me. To listen to songs that declare his goodness and faithfulness so that my fear can turn to faith, that my cares can be laid on the ever faithful one and that my soul might find comfort in his strength.
Whatever your day holds, whatever space you are in I pray you find peace in the comfort of God’s word.
Lots of Love,